I got my hands on a miracle

Well I've got 7 weeks of holidays till uni starts. And why is that?

Because I'm shifting university to IMU. Yeaps, it's a done deal now. It may not be what I want for the now, but I'm making this decision for the future. It's really hard to make a decision such as this because you want so badly to give in to the now. But later on, and me knowing myself, well the world's a bigger place than Malaysia and I know for sure, I don't wanna call myself a citizen of a country that practises double standards nor am I patient enough to wait for a reformation. And although I want things to change, I doubt my current predicaments would let me be the one to trigger a change. Also, I do not want to be in such a position to do so. I want to enjoy my life to, thank you.


In short, I'm not passionate enough to devote my life to a reformation. But I want a change and better opportunities. This is the only way to see my career in medicine through.


In making this decision, I thought out many things. What I thought of medicine, what I expected from myself, where I wanted to go with it, what I wanted to do with my life apart from medicine. And I realised just how much I wanted to live away from home, abroad, with my own life. IMU could help me realise that. As for university credibility, I don't doubt PMC's over IMU's or vice versa. Ireland is a place I'd love to live in even, tho I don't think permanently. It isn't practical enough. Funds, family, why would I wanna isolate myself so far away from friends and family when I can get opportunity in a country nearby? And it's not like I've not been to Ireland. I have.


Funds were also a factor. I need to make money. I want my own place, my own life. I don't intend of living with family upon graduating. Even if it means more money. I want to start a life of my own and I need the funds for it. This would be a good way of doing such. Doctors make quite a bit in Australia/New Zealand.


What I knew for sure was that I did not want was to come back, with high hopes of doing medicine and coming back here to transform into the many doctors I've met who tell me to get out of the country while I still can. These are well accomplished doctors, with degrees from all over who made a mistake of coming back to see people underqualified in comparison to them, championing over them in medical specialities.


Also, as much as I complain about my family, I have this sense of duty to them. I can't leave them completely or stay cut off. My siblings will need me. Finance wise. And I owe my grandparents a lot. I need to make sure my evil uncle is well taken care of - yes, as much as I complain, family is still family. They may never understand me but I guess the key is to stop expecting them to. I do wanna be away with my own family. But I wanna make sure that the old family's alright as well.

As such, Australia and New Zealand, seem the most practical. I'd most probably live far away enough for em to not bug me but near enough that I can look out for them. In my own 'dettached' way, if that makes any sense.


But the term family, is such a subjective word. And I do think, coming from my background, experience and all, that what I say on the subject holds quite a lot of credibility.


I don't have a dad. I never did. I've had father-like figures, pseudo-dads. But never a dad. And as brattish as it sounds, for someone who has her uncles and aunts all interested in her well-being, I miss it. I'd like a proper father. A proper mum. Proper siblings. What I have are half siblings, close cousins. Grandparents whose guilt from a marriage poorly arranged made them turn to take me in, a by-product of that sour union. I'd like a father who doesn't impose his beliefs on me. A father, a friend, a confidante.


I am lucky that I actually have family. And I'm not orphaned to make my own living out on the streets. I'm going to university to do medicine, I have an uncle -who wants so much to be my father- and grandparents who are constantly worried about me.


As such, I bring these people together.


But at the same time, it ain't a meadow of daisies either.


Having no certain family yet belonging to one teaches you independence despite shelter. I see everything that goes around me, all the misunderstandings. I take no sides and I try to be fair to all. No alleigainces


There are a lot of other issues to deal with. Though in the long run, I think it just helps me to be a better person. I whine, groan, bitch and complain. But hey, we all need to let it out. And I do it on my blog and well, Emperor Insanity probably gets the biggest dose of all this, 'letting out' rants (sorry hun!)


Guess that's all for now. I just wanna get this bit out. I'll blog more later.